Ah, yes. The blog. I’ve decided this will be a good way to punish myself by not writing something else that week. I could have been outlining a screenplay1, or figuring out what happens to the bears2, but instead I played video games and celebrated Christmas. So here we are.
Christmas was great. My family, as always, really brought it as far as gifts are concerned. Brent took us all to a Steelers game (that was a few weeks ago, but great watching the Browns fail, again), while my parents got me a new entertainment stand and a variety of other gifts3. So well played, holiday. Well played.
As for the rest of this post, I’ve recently gotten into fictional bands4, so I’ve decided to present to all5of you with a list some of my favorite fake bands. Enjoy.
Hilarious Bands I'd be Ashamed not to Mention
Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes from Star Wars
You know ‘em. You love ‘em. They only got the one song, but it’s a Hell of a song.
Dr. Funke’s 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution from Arrested Development
Corporate sponsorship aside, it’s good to see a good old fashioned family band. The brief clip above gives a glimpse of the band’s history.
Sloshy and Limozeen from Homestar Runner
Two hilarious fictional bands that are fantastic style parodies. The joke gets real meta when their fake record label forces them to record a duo album covering each other’s greatest hits. The video above has the best example of everything.
Limozeen’s Greatest Hit: Because It’s Midnight
Sloshy’s Greatest Hit: We Don’t Even Really Care (About You)
I'd Like to See More, but I Like What I See
The Be Sharps from The Simpsons
A barbershop quartet, and it’s from the Simpsons? The universe conspired to make sure I couldn’t not love this band.
The Be Sharps’ Greatest Hit: Baby on Board6
School of Rock from School of Rock
Having Jack Black as your lead singer will go a long way towards winning me over. Making him were a young boy’s school uniform? That’ll get you the rest of the way.
School of Rock’s Greatest Hit: Teacher’s Pet
Bands a Little too Close to Being Real
I love these groups, but are questionably close to being actual bands, so I leave them out of my final category.
Blues Brothers from Saturday Night Live
This band started as a sketch on SNL with John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd dressed as bees. Fictional, yes? Well then they assembled one of the best ensemble of blues musicians to back them up, took of the bee costumes, made a movie, released albums, and went on tour. Fiction, indeed.
Blues Brothers’ Greatest Hits: Rubber Biscuit, Rawhide, Everybody Needs Somebody
Dethklok from Metalocalypse
This is a band of cartoons, so surely they can’t be real. They’ve gone on tour, nonetheless. Some awesome metal musicians joined Brendon Small to play the songs from the show across the country. Besides, when the best metal album in a year is from a cartoon show, that’s real enough for me.
Dethklok’s Greatest Hits: Muder Train a Comin’, Face-Fisted, Hatredcopter
Spinal Tap from Spinal Tap
The ultimate fictional band takes it to 11. From the movie, to the tours, to the recent rival, this band causes me to question what’s real. Like the Matrix7.
Spinal Tap’s Greatest Hits: Tonight I’m Gonna Rock You Tonight, Big Bottom, Stonehenge
Bands I Would.. err, Do Actually Listen To
The Beets from Doug
Nostalgia in song. I loved Doug, and was quite surprised to find I still enjoy the Beatl… I mean Beets. The Beets. Now I can only dream that whoever owns the rights to Doug decides to put together a reunion tour before one of them gets shot outside of a hotel room8.
The Beets’ Greatest Hits: Killer Tofu, I Need Mo’ Allowance, Shout Your Lungs Out
A Mighty Wind (Folk Super Group) from A Mighty Wind
A movie with 3 of the best fictional bands in existence9 ends with all of them forming a supergroup to perform the titular song. Super awesome.
Mitch and Mickey’s Greatest Hit: When You’re Next to Me
The Folksmen’s Greatest Hit: Old Joe’s Place
The New Main Street Singers’ Greatest Hit: Wandering
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem from The Muppet Show
I don’t know how to describe the band if you don’t know it. I couldn’t even decide on a video to use. In fact the one I used isn’t even just the band. It’s all the Muppets, but the band is featured on the rocking section post bridge. You go and find your own favorite video. Why do I have to do all the work?
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem’s Greatest Hits: All of them. Boom.
Dewey Cox and the Hard Walkers from Walk Hard
Please ignore the awful fan made music video, the song is amazing. The biopic about every musician ever features perfect style parodies of Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, and Brian Wilson’s descent into madness. Watch the movie. WATCH IT!
Dewey Cox and the Hard Walkers’ Greatest Hits: Black Sheep, Walk Hard, Royal Jelly, Beautiful Ride
Sex Bob-omb from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
This movie is chock full of great fictional bands. But this one wins the battle of the bands10, so how could I not pick them? Beck did an amazing job writing all the music for the band, especially in making the band have a sound and not just have them play Beck songs. Feel free to also see “The Clash at Demonhead”, “Crash and the Boys”, et al.
Sex Bob-Omb’s Greatest Hits: Garbage Truck, We Are Sex Bob-Omb, Threshhold
The Wonders from That Thing You Do!
One hit wonders my ass! The band, that will always be “The One-ders” in my heart, has a selection of hits available on the soundtrack, including a second song called “That Thing You Do”. If you haven’t seen the movie, do so now. I’ll wait.
The Wonder’s Greatest Hits: That Thing You Do, Little Wild One, Dance With Me Tonight, All My Only Dreams
Munchausen by Proxy from Yes Man
You now have a reason to see Yes Man. You’re welcome. 4 songs on the soundtrack, and 4 hits. Backed by the band Von Iva and fronted by Zooey Deschanel who play exclusively quarky songs featuring keytars? This may be the perfect band. What’s that you say? It’s a cliché for a nerd to be in love with Zooey Deschanel11? Just let me have this one.
Munchausen by Proxy’s Greatest Hits: Uh-Huh, Sweet Ballad, Yes Man, Keystar
This entire post has been my random thoughts for the night.
1Unrelated note, but does anyone know how Roman firefighting works?
2Unrealted note, but does anyone know how bears work?
3Including a suspicious amount of knives.
4In that I’ve been listening to them. Not joining them. Well not all of them.
5More accurately, both.
6I’m very tempted to list “C. Everett Koop”. Look it up.
7I’m pretty sure that movie exists, but it could be one of my elaborate dreams.
8Too soon? Or not soon enough?
9Or not in existence.
10Spoiler alert.
11You shut up! You shut up and you die!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Wherein I show how questionable a first draft can be
First a story. A little Christmas story. I call it, “The Story of Clayton, the Skeptic of Ohio”
This simply would not have happened with a sensible holiday, like Saturnalia. A grab bag of pagan customs mixed with Christian and Roman folklore was to blame. In the middle of a night, at the start of winter, any sane person should not have to wake up to the cries of two excited children and creep around a darkened house because they thought they heard Santa downstairs. Yet there Clayton was in his flannel pajama pants, which strike him as far too “dad” at moments like these.
If anyone one was downstairs, it was most likely some sort of criminal. He doubted that his flashlight would be an effective weapon in that case. Maybe he could get them to go away for some milk and cookies. Say what you will about Santa, but he is a very accommodating home invader. Clayton was sure he’d just have a look around, tell the kids there was nothing, and get back to sleep.
The only problem was Santa Claus was in the living room. His kids would never let him hear the end of this.
Or at least Clayton assumed it was Santa. He had the hat on, and a red coat with white fur. Well, red hoodie. Although the jogging pants were not what Clayton expected. And he was pretty sure that beard was fake. But the man was definitely taking packages out of his bag, not putting things in it. Through his thirty-six years on the Earth, Clayton had thought himself prepared to face anything life could throw at him. He had to admit, though, he was thoroughly at a loss for how to respond to this situation. Standing at the foot of his stairs, at the door to the living room staring at the fat red ass of a legend. Luckily, the assumed-Santa seemed more adept.
At the sound of Clayton’s arrival, Santa turned with a jerk and said, “Oh, shit. I mean… Ho ho ho.” It was definitely a fake beard, and this guy was couldn’t be older than thirty. Also the man was Brandon.
“No.”
“It wasn’t a question. ‘Ho ho ho’ is the traditional--“
“I know that. That’s not what I was ‘no’ing. I told you not to do this.”
Clayton shouldn’t be surprised, but he was. Brandon told him he was going to do this.
“No, it’s not what you think.” Brandon was doing his best to whisper, a courtesy Clayton decided not to share.
“It’s not what I think.”
“No.”
“You’re not in my house dressed like Santa?”
“Well, yes. But--“
“After I explicitly told you that you’re not to pretend to be Santa for my kids.”
“Technically, that’s not what’s happening.” Brandon had him now. Clayton couldn’t resist something that was technically something. The best kind of something.
Clayton was starting to get used to this sort of thing from Brandon. He shouldn’t be, he told himself, but he was. Against his better judgment, he asked, “How is that not what’s happening?”
“First off, I’m not doing this for just your kids.”
“Please… oh, please tell me you not breaking into other houses dressed like that.”
“Not always exactly like this, but roughly the same.”
“I’m going to assume asking ‘why’ is a lost cause and go straight to how many.”
“How many this year?” They were reaching the point in the conversation where both parties were convinced that the other one was absolutely insane.
“You’ve done this before?”
“Obviously. Shouldn’t you let your family know everything’s okay? Tell your kids you heard hoof beats on the roof.”
“No, Sara has the kids. They’re fine.”
“But you have to let them know San--“
“I will not tell them Santa’s here!” Rookie mistake. You can’t let Brandon’s crazy get to you. “Now how many houses are you breaking into this year?”
“A couple.” The pause crept into every corner of the room with the quiet confidence of a glacier. ”Billion.”
Clayton cupped his face in his hands while he searched the breadth and depth of his knowledge to find the perfect response to such a statement. Somehow, “What?” seemed to work best.
“That’s my other point. Technically I’m not pretending to be Santa for your kids. Because I’m not… pretending.” Clayton face was fixed with the blank stare that only the staunchest of skeptics ever develop. Brandon pushed on with the truth the way only the best liars can. “To be Santa Claus.”
Clayton shook his head and turned towards the hallway. “I need a drink,” he admitted defeat. Point Brandon.
Clayton sat at the small kitchen table holding tightly to his glass as if letting go would send him flying into space. Brandon took the seat opposite him with a glass of eggnog lightly held in his hand. Removing the hat and beard, he took a drink of the eggnog. Drinks. There was something solid Clayton could grasp. “Is there alcohol in that?”
“Of course. You think I’m going to do this job sober?”
“Will I’m having a hard time grasping that you’re doing the job at all, so a bit of a moot point.”
“Come on, Clayton, it’s very simple. You know how I’m a time traveler, right?”
“It’s one of the first three things I think of about you.”
“Okay and you also know that I’ve been immortal for while now.”
“That’s another one of the three.”
“Well at one point in my past, in your present Brandon’s future, I get a bit bored. So I was thinking what would be a good use of my time? I’ve always been a big fan of Christmas, so I thought I’d try to meet Santa Claus.”
“Clearly the logical response.” Clayton was surprised how fast his glass was emptying.
“I started by going back to see Saint Nicholas, real nice guy by the way. But it turns out, he didn’t do most of the things that we contribute to him, the things that evolve into the Santa mystique. So I figured, I could step in. To save Christmas. And once I had fulfilled the role of Saint Nick, it kind of snowballed on me. Being a mythical figure has a lot of momentum.”
“So you’ve been going around giving gifts to all the children every year?”
“More or less. Up until they stop believing in Santa. I usually pick one kid and go from year to year. Seeing them grow up that way is like live action time-lapsed photography. With your kids, I’m doing it in reverse, just to keep things fresh.”
“So you’ve already been to my house in the upcoming years?”
“I will have already been.” Brandon never could resist the tense argument.
“That can’t be the right tense.”
“I’m a time-traveler. I think I would know.”
“I have a degree in English. Do you have a Bachelor’s in Time Travel?”
“Only like two universities even have that program, and how am I supposed to get in? They don’t accept high school transcripts from 2,000 years before the school opened.”
“Wait, is there really-- no. I’m not getting sucked into one of these conversations.”
“You’re doing a piss poor job thus far.”
“So what’s with the almost Santa outfit?”
“Well I tried traditional at first, but that thing gets hot in a hurry. And when I’m lugging gifts year in and year out, that it starts to smell like death. I modernized a bit. So sue me.”
“And the beard?”
Brandon chuckled at that. “Actually, from time to time, I like to work as a mall Santa. I love when the older, jaded kids claim that I’m not the real Santa.”
“Certainly ruins the time-tested beard pull as the Santa test.”
“Well this has been weird, but I should probably get going before I drink too much.”
“Maybe I should have brought my kids down to see this.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll probably let them see me when they’re too young to be taken seriously.”
“So any jokes about ‘something’s got to be done about my kids’?”
“Not tonight. I told you that next year.”
“Now that one was on purpose.” He was right. It was.
He spoke not a word, as he finished his drink
Rose from the table, placed his glass in the sink
And put on his mall-Santa beard and his hat
And walked down the hall barely missing the cat
He strolled out the door and into the winter snow
And he left for the years yet to come and long ago
Chrononaut Santa said, with his hood pulled up tight
“Merry Christmas to all, hope that I did all right.”
This simply would not have happened with a sensible holiday, like Saturnalia. A grab bag of pagan customs mixed with Christian and Roman folklore was to blame. In the middle of a night, at the start of winter, any sane person should not have to wake up to the cries of two excited children and creep around a darkened house because they thought they heard Santa downstairs. Yet there Clayton was in his flannel pajama pants, which strike him as far too “dad” at moments like these.
If anyone one was downstairs, it was most likely some sort of criminal. He doubted that his flashlight would be an effective weapon in that case. Maybe he could get them to go away for some milk and cookies. Say what you will about Santa, but he is a very accommodating home invader. Clayton was sure he’d just have a look around, tell the kids there was nothing, and get back to sleep.
The only problem was Santa Claus was in the living room. His kids would never let him hear the end of this.
Or at least Clayton assumed it was Santa. He had the hat on, and a red coat with white fur. Well, red hoodie. Although the jogging pants were not what Clayton expected. And he was pretty sure that beard was fake. But the man was definitely taking packages out of his bag, not putting things in it. Through his thirty-six years on the Earth, Clayton had thought himself prepared to face anything life could throw at him. He had to admit, though, he was thoroughly at a loss for how to respond to this situation. Standing at the foot of his stairs, at the door to the living room staring at the fat red ass of a legend. Luckily, the assumed-Santa seemed more adept.
At the sound of Clayton’s arrival, Santa turned with a jerk and said, “Oh, shit. I mean… Ho ho ho.” It was definitely a fake beard, and this guy was couldn’t be older than thirty. Also the man was Brandon.
“No.”
“It wasn’t a question. ‘Ho ho ho’ is the traditional--“
“I know that. That’s not what I was ‘no’ing. I told you not to do this.”
Clayton shouldn’t be surprised, but he was. Brandon told him he was going to do this.
“No, it’s not what you think.” Brandon was doing his best to whisper, a courtesy Clayton decided not to share.
“It’s not what I think.”
“No.”
“You’re not in my house dressed like Santa?”
“Well, yes. But--“
“After I explicitly told you that you’re not to pretend to be Santa for my kids.”
“Technically, that’s not what’s happening.” Brandon had him now. Clayton couldn’t resist something that was technically something. The best kind of something.
Clayton was starting to get used to this sort of thing from Brandon. He shouldn’t be, he told himself, but he was. Against his better judgment, he asked, “How is that not what’s happening?”
“First off, I’m not doing this for just your kids.”
“Please… oh, please tell me you not breaking into other houses dressed like that.”
“Not always exactly like this, but roughly the same.”
“I’m going to assume asking ‘why’ is a lost cause and go straight to how many.”
“How many this year?” They were reaching the point in the conversation where both parties were convinced that the other one was absolutely insane.
“You’ve done this before?”
“Obviously. Shouldn’t you let your family know everything’s okay? Tell your kids you heard hoof beats on the roof.”
“No, Sara has the kids. They’re fine.”
“But you have to let them know San--“
“I will not tell them Santa’s here!” Rookie mistake. You can’t let Brandon’s crazy get to you. “Now how many houses are you breaking into this year?”
“A couple.” The pause crept into every corner of the room with the quiet confidence of a glacier. ”Billion.”
Clayton cupped his face in his hands while he searched the breadth and depth of his knowledge to find the perfect response to such a statement. Somehow, “What?” seemed to work best.
“That’s my other point. Technically I’m not pretending to be Santa for your kids. Because I’m not… pretending.” Clayton face was fixed with the blank stare that only the staunchest of skeptics ever develop. Brandon pushed on with the truth the way only the best liars can. “To be Santa Claus.”
Clayton shook his head and turned towards the hallway. “I need a drink,” he admitted defeat. Point Brandon.
Clayton sat at the small kitchen table holding tightly to his glass as if letting go would send him flying into space. Brandon took the seat opposite him with a glass of eggnog lightly held in his hand. Removing the hat and beard, he took a drink of the eggnog. Drinks. There was something solid Clayton could grasp. “Is there alcohol in that?”
“Of course. You think I’m going to do this job sober?”
“Will I’m having a hard time grasping that you’re doing the job at all, so a bit of a moot point.”
“Come on, Clayton, it’s very simple. You know how I’m a time traveler, right?”
“It’s one of the first three things I think of about you.”
“Okay and you also know that I’ve been immortal for while now.”
“That’s another one of the three.”
“Well at one point in my past, in your present Brandon’s future, I get a bit bored. So I was thinking what would be a good use of my time? I’ve always been a big fan of Christmas, so I thought I’d try to meet Santa Claus.”
“Clearly the logical response.” Clayton was surprised how fast his glass was emptying.
“I started by going back to see Saint Nicholas, real nice guy by the way. But it turns out, he didn’t do most of the things that we contribute to him, the things that evolve into the Santa mystique. So I figured, I could step in. To save Christmas. And once I had fulfilled the role of Saint Nick, it kind of snowballed on me. Being a mythical figure has a lot of momentum.”
“So you’ve been going around giving gifts to all the children every year?”
“More or less. Up until they stop believing in Santa. I usually pick one kid and go from year to year. Seeing them grow up that way is like live action time-lapsed photography. With your kids, I’m doing it in reverse, just to keep things fresh.”
“So you’ve already been to my house in the upcoming years?”
“I will have already been.” Brandon never could resist the tense argument.
“That can’t be the right tense.”
“I’m a time-traveler. I think I would know.”
“I have a degree in English. Do you have a Bachelor’s in Time Travel?”
“Only like two universities even have that program, and how am I supposed to get in? They don’t accept high school transcripts from 2,000 years before the school opened.”
“Wait, is there really-- no. I’m not getting sucked into one of these conversations.”
“You’re doing a piss poor job thus far.”
“So what’s with the almost Santa outfit?”
“Well I tried traditional at first, but that thing gets hot in a hurry. And when I’m lugging gifts year in and year out, that it starts to smell like death. I modernized a bit. So sue me.”
“And the beard?”
Brandon chuckled at that. “Actually, from time to time, I like to work as a mall Santa. I love when the older, jaded kids claim that I’m not the real Santa.”
“Certainly ruins the time-tested beard pull as the Santa test.”
“Well this has been weird, but I should probably get going before I drink too much.”
“Maybe I should have brought my kids down to see this.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll probably let them see me when they’re too young to be taken seriously.”
“So any jokes about ‘something’s got to be done about my kids’?”
“Not tonight. I told you that next year.”
“Now that one was on purpose.” He was right. It was.
He spoke not a word, as he finished his drink
Rose from the table, placed his glass in the sink
And put on his mall-Santa beard and his hat
And walked down the hall barely missing the cat
He strolled out the door and into the winter snow
And he left for the years yet to come and long ago
Chrononaut Santa said, with his hood pulled up tight
“Merry Christmas to all, hope that I did all right.”
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Wherein I consider seeing “The Muppets” for a third time
The latest commercial idea was doomed from the start. It was a very promising idea. We had a cast lined up, then hit some resistance in finding a location. We could have carried on, but then our access to the camera fell through. So we were dead in the water and had to cancel. As it turns out, we would have been out of luck anyways, as Kaleen, one of our actors1, had to go back home due to a death in the family. My condolences go to her and her family.
So that left me with a free Sunday that I had set aside to film. I don't know if you're all aware of this, but Christmas is apparently happening in about 7 days. Given that, my first plan for the day was Christmas shopping. A bit late? Perhaps. But I was able to get in and out, completing my shopping in about an hour and a half. 2 So I guess all you people who braved Black Friday feel pretty stupid right about now.3
Next on my docket, cleaning my apartment. I let my apartment get much more out of hand than usual. As I was taking out the shocking amount of trash, I couldn't help feel everyone I passed judging me. I had two trash bags full of, among other things, fast food bags, and also a big stack of cardboard, including several pizza boxes and 2 or 4 pop boxes. When I ran into someone at the dumpster with only one bag of trash, I saw her staring at my unwieldy load. I had to explain, “This isn't just from this weekend. I just haven't cleaned my apartment in weeks”. She nodded awkwardly and walked away. It occurred to me about five minutes later that I probably should have said I just had a big party last night. That's something normal people do right?4
Finally5, I decided to get some people together to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Spoilers may follow. Just saying. Now I was pleasantly surprised by the first movie. Based on the trailer, I thought there were an awful lot of fistfights and explosions for Sherlock Holmes. Luckily, it turns out, the trailer showed all of the explosions and fistfights in the film, so the rest was filled with Holmesian goodness. The trailer for this new one looked very Michael Bay as well, so I was hoping for the same bait and switch. Sadly this was not the case, or at least not enough.
There were explosions, fistfights, and gunfights abound in the film. The plot felt a little League of Extraordinary Gentlemen6. Moriarty's motivation was a too bland for me. He's out to make money. Good for him. So is everybody. That's not reason enough to turn into a mustache twiddling villain employing bond-villain style theatrics. That said, I did enjoy the film, and if you enjoyed the first movie, I do recommend this one. I especially like the ending, along with the other elements pulled from the books. I consider myself to be in the mid-range of Sherlock Holmes mythos knowledge and saw it with someone who didn't know much of anything from the books. We both enjoyed it, so apparently pre-knowledge is not necessary.
After the movie I discovered I got a parking ticket. $20 for parking on the street facing the wrong direction. Well played, city of Columbus. Just low enough so I'll pay it without really caring.
In other news, “The Dark Knight Rises” full trailer leaked online. It looks awesome. Also the careful observer will notice a treat at the end. The ‘effin Bat-Jet.
7
Now here's my random thoughts from the night:
--Would Andy Kaufman be proud of the humor that makes the SNL Christmas Song so funny? Every year that they do it, it just gets funnier.
--How did the people behind Night at the Museum 2 fail to see what made the first movie work?
--Since I want to write movies, time I spend watching movies is totally justifiable as research, right? 8
--Is the fine for parking more than 1 foot from the curb $17 because someone made a passionate speech at a city council meeting? Good for you, hypothetical person.
1I remember being told a while ago that the correct terminology was actor, gender be damned. Unless they have blond(e) hair.
2Most of that spent blocking people's way as I texted various people for various ideas about various presents. Various.
3Don't feel bad though. You should have felt stupid weeks ago.
4Or so I've read.
5Because let's face it, I'm just not able to do more than 3 things in 1 day.
6The original graphic novels are amazing. You should read it. In fact, why are you reading this? You should go read that. Although the author of this is at least 35% less likely to be a crazy person living in a cabin in the woods.
7Exhibit A: ‘effin Bat-Jet.
8Oh God, please tell me I'm right.
So that left me with a free Sunday that I had set aside to film. I don't know if you're all aware of this, but Christmas is apparently happening in about 7 days. Given that, my first plan for the day was Christmas shopping. A bit late? Perhaps. But I was able to get in and out, completing my shopping in about an hour and a half. 2 So I guess all you people who braved Black Friday feel pretty stupid right about now.3
Next on my docket, cleaning my apartment. I let my apartment get much more out of hand than usual. As I was taking out the shocking amount of trash, I couldn't help feel everyone I passed judging me. I had two trash bags full of, among other things, fast food bags, and also a big stack of cardboard, including several pizza boxes and 2 or 4 pop boxes. When I ran into someone at the dumpster with only one bag of trash, I saw her staring at my unwieldy load. I had to explain, “This isn't just from this weekend. I just haven't cleaned my apartment in weeks”. She nodded awkwardly and walked away. It occurred to me about five minutes later that I probably should have said I just had a big party last night. That's something normal people do right?4
Finally5, I decided to get some people together to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. Spoilers may follow. Just saying. Now I was pleasantly surprised by the first movie. Based on the trailer, I thought there were an awful lot of fistfights and explosions for Sherlock Holmes. Luckily, it turns out, the trailer showed all of the explosions and fistfights in the film, so the rest was filled with Holmesian goodness. The trailer for this new one looked very Michael Bay as well, so I was hoping for the same bait and switch. Sadly this was not the case, or at least not enough.
There were explosions, fistfights, and gunfights abound in the film. The plot felt a little League of Extraordinary Gentlemen6. Moriarty's motivation was a too bland for me. He's out to make money. Good for him. So is everybody. That's not reason enough to turn into a mustache twiddling villain employing bond-villain style theatrics. That said, I did enjoy the film, and if you enjoyed the first movie, I do recommend this one. I especially like the ending, along with the other elements pulled from the books. I consider myself to be in the mid-range of Sherlock Holmes mythos knowledge and saw it with someone who didn't know much of anything from the books. We both enjoyed it, so apparently pre-knowledge is not necessary.
After the movie I discovered I got a parking ticket. $20 for parking on the street facing the wrong direction. Well played, city of Columbus. Just low enough so I'll pay it without really caring.
In other news, “The Dark Knight Rises” full trailer leaked online. It looks awesome. Also the careful observer will notice a treat at the end. The ‘effin Bat-Jet.
7
Now here's my random thoughts from the night:
--Would Andy Kaufman be proud of the humor that makes the SNL Christmas Song so funny? Every year that they do it, it just gets funnier.
--How did the people behind Night at the Museum 2 fail to see what made the first movie work?
--Since I want to write movies, time I spend watching movies is totally justifiable as research, right? 8
--Is the fine for parking more than 1 foot from the curb $17 because someone made a passionate speech at a city council meeting? Good for you, hypothetical person.
1I remember being told a while ago that the correct terminology was actor, gender be damned. Unless they have blond(e) hair.
2Most of that spent blocking people's way as I texted various people for various ideas about various presents. Various.
3Don't feel bad though. You should have felt stupid weeks ago.
4Or so I've read.
5Because let's face it, I'm just not able to do more than 3 things in 1 day.
6The original graphic novels are amazing. You should read it. In fact, why are you reading this? You should go read that. Although the author of this is at least 35% less likely to be a crazy person living in a cabin in the woods.
7Exhibit A: ‘effin Bat-Jet.
8Oh God, please tell me I'm right.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wherein 30 Seconds Ain't What It Used to Be
Yes, I've decided to continue this blog. I'm hitting the proverbial runners wall of writing a blog, but I have to keep going. If I can't even keep writing about my life, how could I hope to write about interesting things? Not that my life isn't interesting.1
Sam and I finished the Sunoco commercial. It became immediately clear that we couldn't film in a car as we wanted to, but Steve and Kaleen's garage served admirably in the car's stead. We put in another hour or so of actual filming, Sam and I never feeling comfortable with the lines and wanted plenty of safety takes. It took us about 4 seconds to find which takes we wanted.2
It was an enlightening experience in actually producing the crazy ideas we always talk about:
1) We found that our group of friends are awesome, and will give up their Saturday afternoons to hang out in the world's rusty-nail-stabiest basement ever, cheering like mad men.3
2) Locations scouting seemed so easy, but only because lighting is so much worse. Why can't everyone just have free lighting equipment?4
2) I can just let Sam do all the grunt work of editing. I'll just swoop in with a few notes at the end, and then take all the credit.
4) Since when have 30 seconds only lasted for about 12 seconds? We thought we had all the time in the world. We shot so much of the fight that now is just littering the cutting room floor, shots that are technically the property5 of Sunoco.
We had about 2 weeks from sitting in my apartment saying we should try one of those poptent commercials to uploading it. So naturally we decided to immediately try another one. This one due 6 days from now. Which is less than half the time we had on this one.6 Despite the lessons just learned, I immediately thought, "We'll have plenty of time to fit this in 30 seconds". Silly, foolish Brandon. Fortunately we can do a 30 or 60 second spot this time around, and we have a great, more accessible concept.7 Plus we have Steve and Kaleen to star which means I'll get to spend more time behind the camera.
We'll find out if our spot's been purchased by the 28th, so keep your fingers crossed. It remains a small piece with very little dialogue, but I still feel very happy to take an idea all the way. Now I can't wait to do it again. Even if I do have to talk Steve and Kaleen out of their clothes.8
Now here's my random thoughts from the night:
--I'm about 95% sure that Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones are the same person living together via time travel. I am less sure if Brolin travelled forward, or Tommy Lee Jones backwards.
--I don't know what the Hell transvaginal mesh is, but I do know I wish this commercial would stop saying it.
--Whoever decided they should make a 2 hour behind the scenes of "The Santa Clause" is apparently stalking me and basing all programming decisions off the findings.
--Holy shit, Jackie Chan was just in a V8 or commercial. Or I'm really racist. Either way I'm so, so sorry.
1But exactly that.
2Sadly, we weren't allowed to use footage from "Galaxy Quest", so we settled for the crap we shot.
3The people, not the show. Also mad women? Is it sexist to not call women mad?
4Because we're not communists. Or at least some of us aren't. Eh, comrade?
5The best kind of property!
6Trust me. I have a degree in counting.
7I mean, who hasn't been to an underground nickel fight?
8I'll probably have to talk them into doing things for the commercial, too.
Sam and I finished the Sunoco commercial. It became immediately clear that we couldn't film in a car as we wanted to, but Steve and Kaleen's garage served admirably in the car's stead. We put in another hour or so of actual filming, Sam and I never feeling comfortable with the lines and wanted plenty of safety takes. It took us about 4 seconds to find which takes we wanted.2
It was an enlightening experience in actually producing the crazy ideas we always talk about:
1) We found that our group of friends are awesome, and will give up their Saturday afternoons to hang out in the world's rusty-nail-stabiest basement ever, cheering like mad men.3
2) Locations scouting seemed so easy, but only because lighting is so much worse. Why can't everyone just have free lighting equipment?4
2) I can just let Sam do all the grunt work of editing. I'll just swoop in with a few notes at the end, and then take all the credit.
4) Since when have 30 seconds only lasted for about 12 seconds? We thought we had all the time in the world. We shot so much of the fight that now is just littering the cutting room floor, shots that are technically the property5 of Sunoco.
We had about 2 weeks from sitting in my apartment saying we should try one of those poptent commercials to uploading it. So naturally we decided to immediately try another one. This one due 6 days from now. Which is less than half the time we had on this one.6 Despite the lessons just learned, I immediately thought, "We'll have plenty of time to fit this in 30 seconds". Silly, foolish Brandon. Fortunately we can do a 30 or 60 second spot this time around, and we have a great, more accessible concept.7 Plus we have Steve and Kaleen to star which means I'll get to spend more time behind the camera.
We'll find out if our spot's been purchased by the 28th, so keep your fingers crossed. It remains a small piece with very little dialogue, but I still feel very happy to take an idea all the way. Now I can't wait to do it again. Even if I do have to talk Steve and Kaleen out of their clothes.8
Now here's my random thoughts from the night:
--I'm about 95% sure that Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones are the same person living together via time travel. I am less sure if Brolin travelled forward, or Tommy Lee Jones backwards.
--I don't know what the Hell transvaginal mesh is, but I do know I wish this commercial would stop saying it.
--Whoever decided they should make a 2 hour behind the scenes of "The Santa Clause" is apparently stalking me and basing all programming decisions off the findings.
--Holy shit, Jackie Chan was just in a V8 or commercial. Or I'm really racist. Either way I'm so, so sorry.
1But exactly that.
2Sadly, we weren't allowed to use footage from "Galaxy Quest", so we settled for the crap we shot.
3The people, not the show. Also mad women? Is it sexist to not call women mad?
4Because we're not communists. Or at least some of us aren't. Eh, comrade?
5The best kind of property!
6Trust me. I have a degree in counting.
7I mean, who hasn't been to an underground nickel fight?
8I'll probably have to talk them into doing things for the commercial, too.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Wherein I Begin My Blog
Yes, I've decided to start a blog. Yes, I know. A blog. Who can stand it? Let's just accept this is happening and move on.
Why now, you ask?
Is it because I'm a reverse hipster and like things way after they're cool?
No, although I'm intrigued by the concept.1
Is it because I found some secret method of making money off of sharing my useless thoughts?
No. Even if I had, would I really tell you? 2
Is it because I think that you, the humble reader, were dying to read what I have to say?
Well you are asking a lot of questions about me, so maybe. 3
The reason I've decided to start a blog is because I had no idea what to do with this picture:
It was the end of the day, I still had on my black eye make-up and thought, "Surely I have to take a picture of myself like this". And after quoting "Airplane" to myself, I did. So I found myself stuck with the problem of what to do with this picture. Facebook picture? Maybe.4 Then I thought, while not an actual black eye, the events leading to this are somewhat unusual. Perhaps I can justify forcing this onto to internet. 5
So here we go.
Today I was at, what I can only hope was, the world's first Nickel Fight. What's a nickel fight?6 My friend, Sam Vestey, and I are working on a video for an advertising competition where companies decide to pay random nobodies on the internet to make web-ads instead of paying real people money to ad agencies. The central conceit of our ad is "Imagine what we could do with all those nickels". The logical jump we make is underground street fighting with nickels as the primary weapon. Sound hilarious?7 We had an awesome band of extras8 as spectators at the fight between Sam and myself. It was quite the experience, and for our first stab at filming something like this I feel pretty good about it. We need to film a few other scenes for the ad, then edit it all together, so we'll see where we end up. I'll post a link here once it's uploaded.
True there's very little dialogue, and it's the shortest filmed project I've ever been involved with, but it feels good to take something from concept to finished project. It helps not having to build the gates of Hell, or ancient Rome. Cuts down on production costs.
Now here's my random thoughts from the night:
--Even if you don't know who he is, Spaceman Boone sounds awesome.
--ABC Family played "The Santa Clause" right into "The Santa Clause 3". Nothing missing there. Also, holy shit, Alan Arkin is in "The Santa Clause 3".
--Clark Griswald's boss from "Christmas Vacation" is the Mayor from "Groundhog's Day". Does he only act for holiday based films?
--Why is it okay to show topless female babies on tv? And why is the thought of putting them in a baby bikini top so much more wors?
1For those of you playing along at home thinking about trying being a reverse hipster, try reading "The Da Vinci Code".
2No.
3Also that should really have been "read what I have to write". Shame on you.
4If I'd been more decisive on this you wouldn't be reading so many footnotes.
5Which as we know has the highest quality standards for its content.
6Seriously, you need to cool it with these questions.
7Rhetorical. Of course it does.
8Alex Lefeld, Emily Dorrian, Jessica Rigsby, Cole Deitch, Jack Miller, Sarah Gehring, and Michael Galusick.
Why now, you ask?
Is it because I'm a reverse hipster and like things way after they're cool?
No, although I'm intrigued by the concept.1
Is it because I found some secret method of making money off of sharing my useless thoughts?
No. Even if I had, would I really tell you? 2
Is it because I think that you, the humble reader, were dying to read what I have to say?
Well you are asking a lot of questions about me, so maybe. 3
The reason I've decided to start a blog is because I had no idea what to do with this picture:
It was the end of the day, I still had on my black eye make-up and thought, "Surely I have to take a picture of myself like this". And after quoting "Airplane" to myself, I did. So I found myself stuck with the problem of what to do with this picture. Facebook picture? Maybe.4 Then I thought, while not an actual black eye, the events leading to this are somewhat unusual. Perhaps I can justify forcing this onto to internet. 5
So here we go.
Today I was at, what I can only hope was, the world's first Nickel Fight. What's a nickel fight?6 My friend, Sam Vestey, and I are working on a video for an advertising competition where companies decide to pay random nobodies on the internet to make web-ads instead of paying real people money to ad agencies. The central conceit of our ad is "Imagine what we could do with all those nickels". The logical jump we make is underground street fighting with nickels as the primary weapon. Sound hilarious?7 We had an awesome band of extras8 as spectators at the fight between Sam and myself. It was quite the experience, and for our first stab at filming something like this I feel pretty good about it. We need to film a few other scenes for the ad, then edit it all together, so we'll see where we end up. I'll post a link here once it's uploaded.
True there's very little dialogue, and it's the shortest filmed project I've ever been involved with, but it feels good to take something from concept to finished project. It helps not having to build the gates of Hell, or ancient Rome. Cuts down on production costs.
Now here's my random thoughts from the night:
--Even if you don't know who he is, Spaceman Boone sounds awesome.
--ABC Family played "The Santa Clause" right into "The Santa Clause 3". Nothing missing there. Also, holy shit, Alan Arkin is in "The Santa Clause 3".
--Clark Griswald's boss from "Christmas Vacation" is the Mayor from "Groundhog's Day". Does he only act for holiday based films?
--Why is it okay to show topless female babies on tv? And why is the thought of putting them in a baby bikini top so much more wors?
1For those of you playing along at home thinking about trying being a reverse hipster, try reading "The Da Vinci Code".
2No.
3Also that should really have been "read what I have to write". Shame on you.
4If I'd been more decisive on this you wouldn't be reading so many footnotes.
5Which as we know has the highest quality standards for its content.
6Seriously, you need to cool it with these questions.
7Rhetorical. Of course it does.
8Alex Lefeld, Emily Dorrian, Jessica Rigsby, Cole Deitch, Jack Miller, Sarah Gehring, and Michael Galusick.
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